Saturday, April 23, 2011

7 Weeks &/or Nearly 3 Weeks

7 weeks ago now Papa passed away. It has been a struggle. Part of me is holding out hope that Papa will be there when I arrive in Boston on the 22nd. Another part of me is trying to prepare for the fact that I am just not going to see. I then proceed to tell myself that I need to get over the fact that the last time that I saw him was 2 years ago. That hurts! It all hurts!! It is horrible that I have to mentally "talk" myself into reality.

If that was hectic enough my other grandfather (my dad's father) passed away almost three weeks ago. I feel guilty because I didn't know him. My other siblings knew him or had an opportunity to get to know him. It is horrible watching your family suffer and not know what to do.

To go through 2 deaths in the family, within 30 days, both passing very suddenly; is ridiculous. I really don't know how else to even explain it. I am not a very good writer either. I can't write creatively, I just say what comes to mind. Anyway, I just keep telling myself what are the odds? Why did we have to suffer these losses so close to each other.

Here is a letter that I wrote to Grandpa Tyner. I hoped he would get this before he passed. It was something I wish I had done for Papa. Actually I wanted to put together a DVD slide-show of some house photos for him. It was something he had been asking me for a little while. I just wanted to wait until the house was done before I sent them, for the big "WOW" factor. I still feel a little cruddy that I never did that for him. I think I really wrote this letter with the both of them in mind.

The other thing that gets me is being so far away from the east coast. It didn't help any. I ended up spending a significant amount of time on the phone and sending texts. I am not on the phone nearly as much lately. I think everyone needs their own space and time to "deal" with things.